Myth: They’re Kind of Expensive

Truth: They’re REALLY expensive

Three days cost me over $165. And I was told that was cheap! Do you know how many steaks I could eat with $165? More than my now shrunk-ified tummy could handle.

 

Myth: You’ll Have Diarrhea

Truth: It’s Much Worse

It hurts to type this. Do you know what Sharting is? I now know what it is. I. am. so. very. ashamed.

 

Myth: Mmm, They Taste Good!

Truth: Have You Ever Tried Chlorophyll H2O?

Oh, you haven’t had the pleasure? Please, do look at the diagram below:

 

Myth: The First Day is the Hardest

Truth: It’s an Even Tie!

Sure, the first day hurt the most as my stomach was shrinking itself.. and screaming while at it. I have to give the little guy some credit, he’s a howler! Then, everything starts to hurt: my brain for trying to think without carbs, my bladder for constantly being filled to the max, and my soul for being so weak compared to all these other LA girls who make starving look so easy.

 

Myth: You’re Skin Will Glow

Truth: Your Skin Will Glow… Around that Giant Zit in the Middle of your Face

The whole point of this social experiment is to purge your body of all the harmful toxins that have accumulated over the years. Since your skin is your body’s largest organ, the toxins purge not just through your bladder, but also through your skin, causing you to look gorgeous break out. You do end up having beautiful skin and very white eyes, but there are a few “bumps” in the road.

Translation: It’s like having a facial, except you don’t get any of the gooey moisturizer, heated-to-perfection towels, extra neck message or relaxing East Asian music that you get at a spa. I could eat that gooey moisturizer right now.

 

 

Myth: You’ll Be Happy You Did It

Truth: You Will Be the Skinniest Pregnant Person

Sure, I was skinny. But you know what else I was? I was pregnant- minus the fetus- and exhibiting symptoms of what normally would be caused by hormonal changes without the intellectual ability to actually articulate my anger/frustration/irritability. I went to the bathroom approximately every 20 minutes. And yes, that included 4 times during a movie while on a date. I don’t suggest going on dates during a cleanse.

 

Myth: “By day five, you’ll have more energy than you ever thought possible. You’ll crave broccoli instead of bread. Your clothes will fit more loosely. Your skin will glow.” — Lauren Conrad

Truth: Only if your name is Lauren Conrad.

Ahh, if only life were as easy as it seemed on The Hills. #LAGirlProblems